Baking Up Some Love

Over the last couple of weeks walking through Fort Wayne, I've struggled with finding my place, a way that I can help and feel like I have something to offer.

*enter Betty Crocker mode*

One thing I can do, and do well, is cook. Baking cookies, cupcakes, pies. Making stir-fries, casseroles. It's something I'm good at.

I made two different cookies: classic chocolate chip and peanut & hazelnut butter cookies. Half of the chocolate chip ones got burned because I preheated the over for shiny pans, and I have dark pans.

When we were talking with Dan, a guy I've never met before, about the situation that led him to being homeless and on the streets, he started eating the cookies. Nothing goes better with Nescafe than homemade cookies. Mid-sentence, he stopped and told me that the cookies were good!

*puffs chest with pride*

I came home with no cookies. I think I've finally found my special way to contribute!

It's not about me.

I wouldn't have even thought about "The Fox & the Hound," but we were talking about it in our pre-walk huddle. Just talking about how difficult it'd be for us to survive less than ideal nights on the streets.

In the movie, Widow Tweed eventually has to take Tod out to the woods and release him into the wild. Tod knows nothing about living in the forest, but other animals show Tod how life is in the woods.

From my two nights visiting with the homeless in Fort Wayne, they seem to have the same kind of unspoken system.

We also got onto the conversation of what they do the other 6 days that SOS isn't out walking the streets. There are several other groups that do similar things on other nights.

Our night started at Freimann Square. Papa Smurf was there. He's got an apartment now, but he still comes out to the Square. Very sweet man. Though I didn't know him when he was on the streets, I'm glad he still comes out to visit his friends and for us 'newbies' to get to meet him.

Mitch and Missy. I wish I knew more of their story. All I was able to gather is that Mitch lost his job. Now, they're out on the streets. They have family keeping some of their belongings. Missy needs some jeans with the cooler weather coming, so I've started asking around. I think that we've got 2 pairs lined up for her! Yay!

Over at the space ship, we saw Bernard. He was sleeping, so we didn't disturb him. The guys left some snacks for him.

It was quite a trek, but we met up with Brad and Michael. They were sitting on a log chatting by the light of a candle when we joined them. They got loaded up with snacks.

"A senior citizen shaving in the senior citizens' center. If that's the most dastardly thing I've done in my life, I'm just gonna have to live with that."
-Michael

Michael was talking about the plight of the homeless and how they are being pretty much persecuted at the moment. He said that it just takes one or two people being stupid and acting up, and that ruins things for the lot. Places that are almost paramount to survival in the cold winter months are becoming off limits because of a few bad apples.

Our time at the Salvation Army was short, but nice. There weren't too many guys out, and one of the other groups had already arrived and got most of the needs taken care of.

We didn't see Drew, and that made me kind of sad. I've been thinking about him the last two weeks. Wanting to know if he's feeling better. I was told that this is pretty normal for him.

"It has been customary to take people’s pain and lessen our own participation in it by turning it into an issue, not a collection of human beings."
-Anna Quindlan

I think I'm so guilty of wanting to just fix this, fix them. Kind of like I would sleep better at night if they weren't out there, be in Drew or the homeless. Then, I realize that it's not about me. These people have graciously welcomed me into their lives. Their space, their 'homes'. It's my perception that makes me uncomfortable.

I'm slowly learning.

We don't have homeless people in Fort Wayne.

The picture is from Dallas, Texas. August 2011.

A couple of months ago, I gave a friend some soap. He offered to let me walk with him and the Saints On the Streets crew. I thought that it would be a wonderful experience, but that's as far as it went.

Besides, this is Fort Wayne. A nice, quiet, sedate city in the midwest. We don't have homeless people. Heck, we're the "City of Churches," and churches take care of those less fortunate. So, we don't have homeless in Fort Wayne. Period.

The subject had kinda been pushed by the wayside. Honestly, minus a couple of comments here and there, I'd pretty much completely forgot about it.

Then, I went on vacation...

Dallas is huge. The metroplex just blew my mind, still does. It all started as a joke. We were "Hooker Hunting" on Harry Hines Blvd at 11 in the morning. Which, by the way, was a bust.

A repeat a few days later around 9 at night also revealed zero working girls. So, we decided to go "Homeless Hunting." Hell, it's Dallas. There have got to be homeless people there.

Drove by American Airlines stadium. Fail.
Drove by the Grassy Knoll. Fail.
Drove by the Greyhound station. Fail.

Then, we were just driving up some street that I forget the name of and people were sitting on benches. Those can't be homeless people. Where's all their stuff? Yes, I realize that homeless people don't have a ton of stuff, but where are the shopping carts? The bags?

When I took the above picture from the safety and security of my friend's car, something clicked. I don't know what or why, it just did. I still can't think of this lady, whose name and story I don't know, without tearing up a little.

After we got home, I hit up my friend for answers and to see if the offer still stood. After all, there has got to be a concrete reason why and how. This kind of thing doesn't just happen in America, and most definitely not in our fair city.

Why? I just don't get it. Alcoholism. Drug addiction. Mental illness. Even with all of the years that I've listened to Dr. Drew, I will never understand addiction. Continued use in spite of consequences. How can you lose everything? How does it get to that point?



My night out with the homeless started around 7:45 when I dropped my children off with my Dad. It'd been a hellish day for me. Dad said that I needed to do this. So, I did.

I was so nervous. People don't realize how painfully shy I am. Add to that the fact that I was going to see real homeless people!

Drew. He was our first stop. Under a bridge. The guys were talking to him. I just observed. What do you said, do? The flashlights lit up Drew's face. I started to tear up. Then, I started looking at the view of the river. It was quite lovely. I can't think of that interaction with Drew, without tearing up. The intimacy of it all. Drew said he's been feeling tired, so the guys prayed for strength and better health for him. I didn't hear it all, nor did I really listen. I'd seen and heard enough for a while.

Nick and Bernard. I didn't really hear much of what Bernard was saying, but Nick is a real character. He was talking about his kids and things he's been doing to keep himself busy. I kept thinking that his guy cannot be homeless. He doesn't look it. I guess, I'm still a little naive and looking for his "badge of homelessness." I kept smiling. Both guys were so good-natured.

We stopped at another bridge. There were 2 guys sleeping until there, so our group left some snacks and drinks for them.

Then, it was off to the Salvation Army. That was an experience. It kinda turned into a mini block party, which was kind of fun. The guys there needed toiletries and socks. It was very overwhelming, but I really think it all goes back to my naivete. I just don't get it.

The walk back to the car was full of chatting and jay-walking. A lesson of the evening, no one has been hit when jay-walking with SOS. Close calls, but it's never actually happened.

Debrief was hard and full of more questions than answers. I want to know why. How. "Because it is," and "I don't know," are the answers I got and was not happy with. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. At the same time, I'm thinking about and gearing up for another walk around Fort Wayne to spend the evening with the homeless.